The past couple of months have been a blur. To be completely honest I’ve written and deleted this post five times over this time period and it has changed each time. I’ve been going back and forth between wanting to share what has been up lately and keeping it private for so many reasons that there is simply no room for the details in this post. I’ve always shared the ups and downs to some extent in here. I feel the best when being authentic and honest both IRL and online. But this time, I’ve had many doubts about what’s right for reasons that are not only my own and it has also been extremely challenging for me to even write something that would do the seriousness of the circumstance and the debt of the pain real justice. What made me post today is the realization that it's okay to be vulnerable and it shouldn’t be harmful in any way to be so publicly.
So... Over the past three years, my beloved big brother has been battling an autoimmune decease that developed around the time when he and his wife tragically lost their first child at a very late stage in their pregnancy. As if this wasn’t enough, he got a severe spike in this decease in July, and a check-up MRI scan related to his treatment, unfortunately, revealed another terrifying decease: cancer. Needless to say, it’s been the hardest time of my family’s life. Nothing compares to the consuming fear and painful visions that follows with such a diagnosis. We’ve been on a tough journey since and at this point we’ve sort of turned a page with it: he is now getting chemo treatment and doing everything possible in terms of diet, exercise and alternative treatment, and we deliberately remain positive and believe that he will survive this. He has to.
Personally, I’ve especially struggled with the guilt of being the healthy sister and the frustration of not being able to really help him overcome it. In terms of the context of this post, social media is just a really strange thing when you are rock bottom. Instagram is full of banalities, which I usually find a lot of joy in. But in this new binary perspective of life or death, everything quickly feels completely off, shallow and meaningless.
He has not done or said anything that has made me feel this way, in fact, he has been doing the opposite since day one; he asked us all to remember to keep living. Eventually, I realized that I can’t let my life fall into pieces and I need to do the things that at least used to make me happy to be able to support him when he needs me. My life and all that it is needs to continue. But coming back here and posting this is with great vulnerability, and I need to stress that just because I’m doing the content that I once did before, it doesn’t mean that deep emotional work isn’t happening in the background.
Finally, I wanted to ask for your help by sending him healing thoughts whenever you have the time and energy between your own worries – it would mean the world to me. And to all of you - strangers as well as close friends - who may be triggered by this or who are currently dealing with cancer or have had to in the past, I hold space for you in my heart.
Peace and light, Alona